Belated Anniversary Post

Thursday, September 11, 2014

I didn't write any type of anniversary post on Sunday, which marks a year since our traditional wedding and the anniversary date that A prefers.  I love reading anything real that anyone writes about themselves or their relationships.  I hate reading a list of cliches--"I married my best friend."  Even if you did really marry your best friend, I can't tell from your writing if you really feel that way or you heard someone else say that and thought it sounded cute.  It's undeniable, though, that particularly on big days, a lot of what we do and feel is cliche.  That's how I was Sunday.  And, so, I couldn't write a post.

A day or two after A proposed.
I might have some kind of indie-elite thing going on regarding relationships.  That'd be irrational and stupid, but it might be true anyway.  I find myself denying logic all the time.  In my family law class, we talked about how nobody thinks they're going to get divorced, so nobody gets pre-nups, but really if we were rational we all would because we know that many people who don't know it at the time will get divorce and we have no way of distinguishing ourselves from those people and the pre-nup saves a lot of heartache and expense.  I wholeheartedly agree with that logic.  But, I don't have a pre-nup.  Cooling down from a run with a friend, I was confessing my deep fears of dying and the way they affect my daily life too much.  We talked about that fear.

She had it.  Death didn't bother her.  She feared getting into a marriage.  "No way.  Really?  Marriage?"  It's the only thing I've done in my entire life that I feel entirely sure of.  No, I didn't hesitate.  I recognize that I know nothing about marriage or maintaining relationships past the seven-year-death-mark or after you've both changed, or this, or that.  It doesn't worry me, though.  We'll be on that road together, I know we will.  My feelings about my marriage deny my faith in logic constantly.

I do not believe that we have a soul-mate out there.  I believe we become soul-mates as we journey through life together.  I think that, initially, there are plenty of people out there you could choose to love your entire life and you'd have a beautiful life.  But, after you journey so far and over certain terrain with one person, it can become impossible to turn back and live your life with anyone else.  For me, it would be.

There was a moment, during our time of uncertainty, where A & I were trying to decide whether to get married early.  At that point, we didn't really know how the cancer journey was going to go.  The point of getting married early would be so that if he died, we would have been married.  Necessarily, in making the determination, I thought about what I would want if A died before our anticipated ceremony date in September.  If that happened, would I want to be a widow or a single girl whose fiance had passed away?  The thought crossed my mind about trying to date someone else in the future and what would I want.  At that point, I realized that in my heart, I'd already crossed the Rubicon with A and there was no way that some future with someone else would work--even if A weren't alive.  I wouldn't want it.  The choice was easy.  It was clear to me that he is my soul-mate.  And that is that.


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