Reflections

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Yesterday, we buried my cousin, J.  I can't write more about that now--maybe later--but I would remiss if I didn't begin the post with a mention.

After the funeral, graveside service, and reception, I worked very hard to try to compartmentalize my feelings and put on a happy face for A's company's holiday party.  Except for a few internal moments, I did a good job.  The holiday party was lovely.  The company had rented out a small, nice restaurant with high ceilings and big windows.  There was a bar and a wonderful four-course meal.  The people are wonderful.  The company is very young with young employees and its culture involves a work-hard play-hard attitude, which meant that it paid for all the employees to arrive using uber so that they could enjoy themselves and stay safe.  Lovely.

A & I joined others folks afterwards at the bars downtown.  We stayed out late enough to grab a 1 a.m. slice of pizza, which is something I haven't done since law school.  The pizza slice came with all the predictable bloodsugar issues and I probably should have refrained, but you have to do something special every once in a blue moon, right?  We finally made it home just after 2 a.m., but then my bloodsugar issues kept us up until around 4.  Complete craziness.

This afternoon I went for a run to try to cleanse my system and clear my mind from all of yesterday's intensity.  I thought about the drama between different extended family members and the way that affected me.  I thought of my cousin's volunteer spirit and the way she had embedded herself into the community.  I felt guilty that I hadn't somehow found a way to know my cousins better throughout more of my life and wondered how much I really fit into the extended family in Texas after moving to join them at such a late point in life.  I wondered if my grandmother and her sister would ever resolve a fight that has kept them separated for years.  I thought about my cousin's husband and young son.  As my feet hit the pavement, I cried for so many different things in the hopes that I could just wring it all out at once . . .

That hasn't seemed to happen, but I am beyond grateful for A and all of the family in my life.  I'll try to make the most of being lucky to have so many wonderful people placed around me.


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